I posted my short piece Addendum to the LCMS’s When Homes are Heartless: Another Problem from Another Angle on a few Lutheran Facebook groups I am on, and it’s gotten some attention, to say the least.
There is no doubt in my mind that this is a good thing, although at the same time I really wish that people would pay as much attention to the recent two-part series I just launched and that I worked very hard on as well, which makes a more fulsome argument and gets to some of the deeper, and more uncomfortable, issues involved with male-female relationships and beyond.
Back to this hot post: most of the comments I’ve gotten of the post have been critical in one way or another.
My basic response to the persons who think that my comments on this document are out of line (especially after they found out that in my life and I have known of no instance of physical violence among those I personally know — its like the people who say you can’t comment on abortion unless you are a woman or have even had one, I guess) is this:
I acknowledge necessary and responsible self-defense by divorce, period. I said as much in [my original] post. My concern is to *raise awareness* that the facts on the ground say that wives already–and even regularly–kill their marriages in situations where self-defense is not truly justifiable. And that this is, to say the least, a widespread problem.
This is fully in line with the topic matter of When Homes are Heartless, because as the document points out, divorce is violence. And I would urge everyone who says that the common knowledge about men and domestic violence could not be subjective at all to consider watching this short talk from Cassie Jaye, before re-engaging in the discussion (but do what you like, y’all):
I did receive a comment in support of the post from one commentator who appears to use a pseudonym. I also got something from another person who read my blog, sent me a response, and wishes to remain anonymous.
As with the previous post, I’m protecting this person’s identity, and so I’ve changed some insignificant details and we’ll keep this person gender-neutral as well, calling this person Pat II (remember Pat I as well, and pkease ponder again the significance of his/her story).
If more folks would like to comment anonymously, send me your replies at nrinneatgmaildotcom. I might publish replies I get as well in the future, with your permission.
Here’s Pat II’s post, which converges with some of what Cassie Jaye says.
I would rather not comment on this issue publicly.
The fact is, domestic violence is a two way street, and I have known more female abusers than male.
And not just emotional abuse but physical. I have also help quite a few women who were living in domestic abuse shelters and none of them were in there for being abused. They were using it as a homeless shelter. And in order to do so they had to falsely accuse a man and obtain a restraining order against them just on their word (because the system is slanted).
And in reading some of the article, “When Homes are Heartless: an LCMS Perspective on Domestic Violence,” I see it is slanted too.
For instance; “One cannot ignore the overwhelming tendency of violence in male-female relations involving men as the perpetrators (Creator’s Tapestry ).” And “When violence and its threats occur in a marriage, one party to the marriage actually creates a circumstance in which the other cannot remain without endangering herself, and quite often, her children.” Especially in the last paragraph, “one party” is used unbiasedly and in the next sentence, “endangering herself, and quite often, her children” clearly a manipulative agenda based paragraph.
It has been my personal experience and in the rooms of recovery for 30+ years that domestic violence is 50/50. Men have a greater capacity to harm because of their physical strength and the system ignoring them when they claim violence, and prosecuting them more times than not based on he said she said evidence.
Marriage is a two way street as well and I have never met a person who will not blame the other to some extent but usually to the greater extent for a failed marriage. And I would be hard pressed to find any woman who does not claim to be a victim in this culture of blame and lack of personal responsibility. And I can not say that about men.
To a large degree men claim victimhood as well but I could find many who take full responsibility.
I really have no time for these agenda-based article or books where men are demonized and women are perfect virtuous saints. But because I try to help many of these people see their own personal responsibility if I voiced this publicly they would not even consider my words if the thought I had a biased opinion. Which it is very clear to me that I do.
And yet I don’t believe I am judging according to a sexist agenda but rather the way of thinking that leads people into abuse and keeps them coming back. And that way of thinking is the way of blame and lack of personal responsibility, lack of respect for others that only proves their own lack of self-respect, and a complete misunderstanding and manipulation of the meaning of love, which is at its core and is best expressed in Corinthians 13.
Imagine this – the system of American justice, slanted in just this way? (well, I know some lawyers, and let me tell you….)
Another person brought the following harrowing tale from Stillwater, Oklahoma to my attention.
I’ll just give you a taste of the story – now 7 days old — as told by my wife’s favorite paper, the Daily Mail. The title “’Mom, you just shot him’: Shocking video shows acquitted bail officer shooting her client dead in front of her teen son,” says it all, but hear is some more:
- Chasity Carey, 42, was acquitted on Friday of first-degree murder in the August 2017 shooting death of Brandon Williams in Oklahoma
- Williams, 38, was a suspect in a burglary and marijuana possession case
- Payne County District Attorney’s Office on Monday released video from Carey’s office recorded by her 19-year-old son showing the shooting
- It shows Carey grabbing a gun from her desk drawer and shooting Williams in the back as he attempts to flee through her office window
- During her trial, Carey claimed she shot her client in self-defense after he tried to grab her gun
I encourage you to learn more about this case and to watch the video below:
Well, thank God for cameras, and thank God for the You Tube commentariat:
Just ask yourself how in the world that something like this could ever happen in the American justice system, and then ask yourself if you think it might have anything at all to do with issues of gender in our country.
As one “men’s rights activist” put it, drawing a comparison with this event and the way many a divorce play out in America, there is “getting away with murder” and there is also, analogously, “getting away with divorce”.
I think I need to agree with one of my commentators: violence is not necessarily divorce even if divorce is violence.